December 16, 2012 by welshcyclist
Look at me, I’m a fat middle-aged man, who, doesn’t like being fat, but isn’t self-disciplined enough to do much about it, hates the fact that he’s getting older, isn’t financially secure, with three sons who are in the same boat. On top of that one broken-hearted, another well educated but with a career stifled by the economic circumstances of our country, and the youngest stuck in a job he hates, all of them disheartened about their future prospects, with a partner who deserves so much more than I’ve ever, or will be able to provide!
I feel like a complete failure, and in my eyes, there is no doubt.
I should, and could have done better for them all, I never kept my eye on what mattered most.
While the boys were growing up. I wasn’t there for them. I was supposedly earning a living to support them, but in fact, I was having a good time! Her indoors brought them up, mostly by herself, single handedly, what’s more, she did a great job, they’re all good lads.
38, 36 and 34 years old. What have I given them? What is my legacy? If I’m honest, sweet F A!
This world is a cruel place, where we examine our situation, compare, disseminate, procrastinate, all to no avail. Why has life become so complicated? Why is it that both, the love of my life and my lads are suffering so? Can it be blamed on the sins of the father (me)? There have been so many. I regret so much.
Yet, I haven’t killed anyone, I’m not a whatever……., not that bad?? Am I?
But, I do know this, I’m not a nice guy. If there was an examination to be passed as a nice person, I would have failed. Bitter, negative, uptight, selfish…….that’s me!
Oh yes, I believe myself to be a thinker, an arguer, ever so clever, etc., but it’s all self-aggrandisement!
I’m in the autumn of my life, and I need to sort so many things out, now, for those I love most. Quite frankly, before it’s too late. I’ve got to do my best to confront the blur on the horizon, of this temporary thing, that is my life.
Where do I start?
A cycle ride in the morning, I’ll have to take it from there.